just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
