Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
