I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just google imaged poop.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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