i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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