The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
