There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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