she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
