Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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