I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
