Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
