i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just gargled with NyQuil
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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