Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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