She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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