you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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