Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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