True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
