Im at strip club and am horny
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize