I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
