I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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