you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize