Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
