i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
