There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
zippers are such a cool invention
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
