When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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