good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
