Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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