The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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