I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
