I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Randomize
