guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
