i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
