Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
