I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I am naked and annoyed.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
