Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
