so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
