We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
