I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
