A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
