i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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