You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
