if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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