don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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