You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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