Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
