you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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