God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
