I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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