Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize