Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
