if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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