Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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