On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
