I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
