We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
