Can i not drive my cunt home
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
