I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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