ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
