I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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