I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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