he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize