Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It's shark week go big or go home
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
