this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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